I thought I had very little expectation for this trip to Los Angeles. I knew that I was searching for something far beyond my own imagination, I just couldn't figure out what that was. I knew clarity was needed and my hope was to find it on this trip. I decided to keep an open mind and let go of the need to control what happened, rather just let things flow as they would have regardless.
This trip has brought about many high moments and many low ones mentally. I often found myself pondering on my "what's next". I laughed out loud, I've cried out loud and did both in silence. I spent a lot of time examining my heart. The constant "what do you want" conversation came up more times than I'd like but I listened and I answered.
The moment I stopped lying to myself was the moment I became free. The moment I let go of resistance and control, I became peace. I've played this game of cat and mouse with myself for so long that I didn't realize the chaos that I was running from was something I had created. It wasn't real, all an illusion. An illusion that has caused me to travel across country, sit in front of a man who I love and respect only to tell me all of what I already knew. Nope, he couldn't save me. That was my job and my job only.
Truth be told, I came to Los Angeles to be saved. I was running from my shadow. I needed safety and fast, so I thought... but from whom and what?! Breakthrough after breakthrough...my ugly truth. I didn't want any parts of my truth in many moments but fortunately for me they were mine. Breathe in, breathe out.....inhale, exhale, inhale and on the next exhale let go of everything that isn't serving you. This ish works btw!
While it is truly okay to not be okay I found so much wrong in not being okay. I realized that I haven't been ok for quite some time now. I had to stop running. I had to sit with not being okay. I had to let all of those emotions flow through me in order to get through. I prayed to God for my dad, my heart, a few other things and my what's next. I stood on the top of a mountain at Kenneth Hahn park, did a spiritual healing meditation and left the ways of being that didn't serve me there. I left feeling whole. I felt complete. Job well done, Zina.
I am safe now as I always have been. The clarity I was looking for was always there I just needed to wipe my eyes a couple times. Sometimes we need to be stripped of things we put so much emphasis on to see what truly matters. I am so in love with myself. I am honored to know me. I am ready. I'm not sure if I was ever lost before I arrived in Los Angeles, California but one thing is for sure I am FOUND....
Overall, I had an amazing trip! I reconnected (in real life) with many of my loved ones who I haven't seen in years. I explored many different parts of LA alone. I didn't care about time I just let the days flow. I enjoyed family time with my parents, little brother and niece. Oh & traffic isn't as bad as ppl claim it to be. Its better than NYC that's for sure. Until next time (September) thank you LA for being good to me as you always are. You are officially my second home.